Final Thoughts in 2019

I won’t have a New Year’s Resolution this coming year. I won’t because I’m already doing things to better myself. The last couple years haven’t been easy for me. Much of that was my own fault. Many things had to happen in order for me to notice. I felt I had hit rock bottom in early October 2019. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that low. Had I lost my job on top of everything else that happened, I’m not sure what I would have done. I almost lost everything in my life. My whole world went topsy-turvy.

Long story short, I was too negative for too long. It had built up over these last two years. I didn’t notice until it was too late. I lost motivation. I lost confidence in myself. I lost friendships. Since early October, I’ve been changing how I look at and talk to myself. It’s working. But I still have a long journey ahead. I filed for bankruptcy. My court date is in January. I had a couple student loans in default. I’ve gotten one out of default and the other is on its way out of default. Bankruptcy doesn’t affect student loans.

I’m being nicer to those close to me. Some chose not to be a part of my life because of the negativity. I hope the Universe brings them back into my life during the new year. I’m also being nicer to myself. I thought I was doing enough before to combat the negativity. But I feel short of the mark. I had to increase my efforts tenfold to see a difference. I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I can’t afford to go out to most things. Some things are too far for bus rides or I can’t afford the money for bus fare. I’m keeping an eye out for things to do so I can meet new people.

I relied on those close to me too much. I’m sure this is why they pushed me away. I’m doing more to keep myself occupied when I don’t have money for other activities. I’ve been using my camera more. I enjoy taking pictures. I’m reading and writing more. I’m doing as much as I can with what I have. Every night before bed, I write down three good things that happened to me that day and why they were important to me. This is the biggest thing that’s helped. I’ve done this every day for almost three months.

My journey has only begun. I have so far to go and no idea how long it will take. But I keep moving forward. I’m hunting for the good in things. I’m staying positive. I’m not allowing my thoughts to consume me. I’m getting by. I’m surviving. I’m not making a New Year’s Resolution because I’ve already made a resolution for life. And since I’ve already started, I have no fear of giving up. I’ve done this too long now to quit. While you all start something new and eventually stop, I’ll continue what I started. I’ll continue because I like myself. I love myself. And I deserve good things.

Twofer Tuesday Poetry: Dreams Never Lost & Superficial

Dreams Never Lost

She sits alone looking out towards the Sea
On a Cliff covered in black rocks and dirt
She knows only abandonment and pain
She’s a bitter Dream that was forgotten
She remembers being a young girl’s friend
This girl and her Dream were never apart
For many years, they went on adventures
For many years, they planned their own futures
As time continued on, they grew apart
The Dream’s friend, she grew into a woman
And focused her attention on herself
She gave up on her Dream for easier life
This Dream now lost with no place to belong
She sits on her Cliff angry and broken
Each day grows darker, each day she’s alone
She’s a calloused Dream who has no more tears
One day she’s approached by an old stranger
An old woman who’s more like a Shadow
It is her young friend from so long ago
She seeks one more chance to follow her Dream
Two bitter old souls coming together
They leave the Cliff for one last adventure


You ever see
A drag queen without makeup

It’s funny how
All those men can become
More beautiful than any woman

Even straight men
Call them beautiful

I think men
Are only attracted to
The makeup not the person

You shouldn’t have to
Paint your face
To get someone’s attention

Maybe if men view themselves as beautiful
They’ll think everyone else is beautiful

Drag queens without makeup
Are still

From the poetry collection Men Are Garbage.

Poetry Monday: Sky Lashes

He begins with a clean shave
And washes and dries the skin
He covers the whole face with foundation
Then applies more foundation
For highlights
Then more foundation for highlighting
And shaping the nose
He applies contour makeup
To go around the face
He sets the highlights with powder
Then translucent setting powder
For the whole face
He sets the highlights again
He uses a piece of cut cardboard
For the contour powder
Then more contour to shape the nose
Blending and more blending
He brushes off the highlight powder

The eyes require the most attention
First, he must cover the eyebrows
He uses a pressed powder to shape them
He applies gel liner to each eye lid
He paints the eyeshadow just below the eyebrow
Then more eyeshadow; purples and blues
Then liquid eyeliner; then the water line
He adds more eyeshadow below the eye
With false eye lashes, he looks like a she
But she’s not finished
She uses an eyebrow pencil then
A fine tip liner for the hair in the eyebrow
She adds blush when finished with the eyes
With a lip pencil, she outlines her future mouth
It’s larger than the real one
She applies lipstick and lip gloss to finish her face
She puts on her dress, her nails, her jewelry, her wig
She has transformed into a towering goddess

From the poetry collection Men Are Garbage.