The Hobo Spider…Man!

portland-spiders-chartOf the many spiders in the world, there are a small number whose bites are considered clinically significant.  This means the bites are very harmful to humans.  The two most well known are the Brown Recluse, also known as the fiddle back, and the Black Widow, sometimes called the southern widow.  The third lesser known is the Hobo Spider.  A bite from the Hobo Spider is not as severe as the Brown Recluse but on rare occasions, victims can display other symptoms.  Mainly, they can mutate and turn into the Hobo Spider-Man.

The Hobo Spider-Man is a most interesting creature.  He scavenges trashcans and dumpsters for food and alcohol.  He will often stand on street corners asking for change and if the person is unwilling to give, he will use his webbing that he shoots from his arm to restrain them long enough for him to search their pockets and run off with whatever he finds.  He has been known to build webs in alleys to catch rival hobos so he might have no begging competition.

When police chase after him, he scales the wall of a building with ease to avoid imprisonment.  Yes, the Hobo Spider-Man is a menace to society, so be cautious and steadfast so that you don’t get bitten and become the Hobo Spider-Man.

 

Dollar Tales

I have a new eBook that will be released on Monday, October 16.  It is available for pre-order and it will download automatically on Monday if you do.  It is only $0.99 and includes two versions of one story.  The original was first published in 2015 in my collection of short stories, Killers, Monsters, & Madmen.  The second version is the story in its entirety.  There was a lot of the story cut out for the first publication and now you can read the whole thing.  This story will also be included in my forthcoming collection of short fiction titled, Morbid Museum.

There will be other eBook coming throughout the next year leading to the release of the new collection.  These will be a series called Dollar Tales from the Morbid Museum.  “The Ghosts Inside” is available only on Amazon Kindle.  There will be free promotions now and then and I will inform everyone of these free deals.  Be sure to find my on social media: @jamespackwriter and tell me what you think of my writing or what you think of me.  Please be kind but honest.  I will post some of my writing here on my blog as well as all kinds of other things to keep me writing.

You can also find my book of poetry, Pariah Bound: The Lonesome Poetry, in both eBook and Paperback formats.  Check back regularly for free promotions and giveaways of this title as well.  I also do a little music production which I will be posting something about in the near future.  I will be hosting some panels at the Tucson Comic Con in November and I will share more details about that as we get closer to the convention.  Let me know if you’ll be there!

Slow Transitions

There has been a lot going on.  I am still transferring my VaudVil website to a new host but things should be back to normal by next week.  I have self-published a collection of all my poetry, Pariah Bound: The Lonesome Poetry, which is available for Amazon Kindle and Paperback.  I have another eBook coming out on October 16 (a small one), Dollar Tales from the Morbid Museum,  in preparation of another collection of short fiction I am working on and I even put out some music for sale though I don’t think many will be interested.  It has been a busy couple of weeks but I am always happy to stay busy.

I plan to have more writing on this blog in the near future once I have a few other things finished.  It is difficult to write fiction everyday when you also want to write articles everyday.  It is all very time consuming with a full time job but I think I will manage.  If there is anything you would like to see me write about, please send an email or fill out the contact form.  If you would like to write a review on any of my books, please contact me and I will send you a free PDF.  I do not have physical copies yet but once I do I can offer those for free as well.

The Morning Routine

I awake to the Alarm yelling in my ear.  He’s like a broken record, “Wake Up! Wake Up! Wake Up!”  As I hurl his plastic body across the room, he screams in terror.  Let that be a lesson to the other Clocks in my home.  I am not afraid to bash their heads in the wall.

After having brutally murdered my Clock Radio, I step into the bathroom and turn on the shower.  I must wait for the water to warm up.  The Dirt doesn’t like hot water.  Once the steam gently floats from behind the shower curtain, I peel off my pajama skin and creep into the tub, which will soon become a battlefield.

The Dirt on my body runs in every direction trying to escape the flood from the shower head.  They cling to my body and hair fighting for their lives.  Hot water is not enough to rid me of the vermin.  I pour shampoo and body wash into my hand.  They are eager for battle this morning.  The Suds attack with such a force that the Dirt lose their grip and fall to the watery graves below my feet.

As the battle nears its end, the Suds drag the decaying corpses of their enemy down to the nether reaches of the sewer drain.  I shut off the water and dry myself promptly, wiping away the scars from the war that took place on my skin.  Now the sensual portion of the morning begins.

The Hair on my head is knotted and uptight.  She refuses to flow gently in one direction.  Angry and seemingly untamable, I prepare to relax her as I call in a specialist.  The Hair Brush sits patiently in the cabinet.  Always ready to do his job.  He begins by gently rubbing her sides, making sure wild hairs are kept behind the ears.

She is beginning to relax now, allowing the Brush to romance her.  He works his way to the back and discovers the tangles.  It was sensual in the beginning to warm up the Hair, now it’s time to play rough.  The tangles don’t come out too easy.  The Brush penetrates and pulls out from the Hair faster and faster until the final release.

Now exhausted from the physical strain, the Hair lays to rest ever so gently on the top of the head.  The Brush returns to his cabinet awaiting the next day when they can make love again.  He has a cousin and neighbor in the cabinet.  The Tooth Brush is not as sensual but his job is perhaps far more important.  Disposing of germs and preventing tooth decay.

Inside the mouth there are many Germs.  They dance to the music, drink many alcoholic beverages, consume hallucinogens and rot your teeth away.  The Tooth Brush rallies his men outside the mouth.  Toothpaste, his trusted partner, Floss, the new recruit, and Mouth Wash, the head of the SWAT Team, all wait patiently to begin the raid.  They’ve planned this raid for hours, ever since the last raid from the day before.

Tooth Brush and Paste bust in first, pushing everyone towards the dance floor.  Floss, eager to prove himself, chases down all the Germs hiding between the teeth.  Finally the SWAT Team comes through and drags all the Germs out.  There won’t be any parties in the mouth for a while.  So now the coast is clear for breakfast.

Breakfast can take on many different forms.  Sometimes it’s only a muffin or some fruit.  I personally enjoy eggs and bacon.  As I pull the food from the fridge, they are all very cheerful, greeting me with “Good Morning!” unaware of the horror that will soon unfold.

I grab the first Egg.  He begins to worry as I hold him over the pan on the oven.  A blood curdling scream echoes through the kitchen as I crack his shell on the pan.  The other Eggs are panic-stricken.  As the first Egg’s entrails pour out of his shell, the sizzle on the pan is like music to my ears.  The torment grows for each Egg that gets boiled alive.  I don’t cook all of them.  I put the few that are left back into the fridge so they can live in fear of when their time will come.

The Bacon is less fun to torture since the ones in the package are oblivious to the world.  But I enjoy eating them more than frying.  And there is some brief satisfaction in hearing them squeal right before their fat pops and they begin to shrivel.

Some may think torturing your breakfast is wrong and if it is than I paid for it when I drank my orange juice after brushing my teeth.  It’s nasty but maybe the raves will stay away for a while.  Well that’s how I start my day.  With Death, Morbid Torture and Sex!