Trapped and Forgotten


Some days are better than others.  Some days are just casual; neither good nor bad.  Some days you feel trapped and forgotten.  Those are the days you struggle the most.  Those are the days where nothing you do or think brings you peace and you try to stay busy and distracted but at least four times in that day everything will weigh you down.  You never feel more alone than you do on these days.  Even when you force yourself to go places to be around people, any people, it still does not feel right and you want to run away from everything.

You never run away because you are more terrified of trying to figure out what to do.  No matter how painful it is, you cling to what is familiar.  You are afraid of making changes but you are also afraid of missing new opportunities.  You fight with yourself whether you should say something or do something or if it is worth the trouble.  When you finally do something that you told yourself not to do, and everything goes wrong the same way you told yourself it would; you wish you had left things alone because you’d be better off having not done anything.

But still you try and still you hope.  Things will get better you tell yourself.  This is not a lie but you struggle to believe.  You know things will get better but in that moment, nothing could possibly get better.  Sometimes you want a hug or to feel the touch of someone special but there is no special person and you fear the touch of anyone; even family.  You want to hug and love the world but the world can never touch you or care for you because you feel too much and express too little.

You feel emotions more strongly than most others but you never show them and everyone assumes you have no emotions.  Part of this is a defensive wall and no one can come inside.  The downside is you cannot come out of the wall.  You feel trapped and forgotten inside your own head, inside your own invisible wall; no one can get in because no one knows how.  Only you can remove the wall but you also do not know how.  You must become your own hero because no one else will save you.  You do not believe anyone wants to save you.

You see others who fight the same battle you face each day.  You try to help them because in some way you think it will help you.  Who better to help them than you?  You understand how to touch them without touching them.  You know what they want to hear.  They think you are brave because you force yourself to talk about your troubles.  You acknowledge the pain and embrace this.  The sad truth is, no one else is brave enough to tell you what you want to hear; what you need to hear.  You must tell yourself.  You must become your own hero because no one else will save you.  You must want to save yourself.

Some days are better than others.

Anxious Always

Everyday feels like you are fighting against the world. The truth is, that world you keep fighting is you. You fight against your own thoughts and cannot stop yourself from overanalyzing every situation. Why did you say that? What are you doing? Who wants to be around you? At just the right moment, these thoughts can cripple and paralyze you. Nothing is ever good enough and you are never good enough but you keep fighting yourself because there is nothing else to do but push forward. There is nothing to do but hope things will get better. They always do but your mind creates new obstacles.

You want nothing more than to walk up and tell everyone how much you struggle but you also do not believe anyone would care about anything you say. So, you tell no one. It is easier. Endure the struggle because that is what people do. Is it not? Sometimes people ask you how you are and you answer and say you are doing well and sometimes the answer is honest because in that moment you are doing well. Sometimes the answer is a lie and you say you are well because that is what people say. It is scripted and predictable so the other person goes away and leaves you alone.

People attempt to be polite and show you courtesy but you hate being around anyone. You enjoy being around a small amount of people like in a coffee shop where each person has their own space and no one talks. You feel social in this way. You feel less like a freak this way. Someone tries to talk to you. Nope. Nope. Go away. That is what you want to say but you do not because that would be rude and you would hate yourself for being rude but then you hate yourself for listening because now the person will not stop talking to you. Just walk away.

You spend all your time avoiding people, even people you like and want to see, but you avoid them anyway because that is what your instinct tells you is right. Then something happens. You meet someone new or you start to know someone better and you feel something. At first you do not really know but you are curious and explore. This person makes you comfortable. You are comfortable with friends but this feels different. A connection of sorts. You cannot explain it. You enjoy being with and around this person. This person is not like anyone else you have ever met.

Naturally, you try to spend more time with this person. Your schedules never seem to line up. It is like this is not meant to be. You continue pursuing something because this person touches you in a way that is unfamiliar. There are levels to receiving another person’s touch. Strangers touch you and it is as if every nerve in your body is connected to this one spot that is being touched and all five senses are gravitating towards this spot. It feels like danger and you need to leave. Then there is the touch from a close friend or family member. You have known this person or many years and you feel no threat.

This person who touches you differently in a new way. You cannot explain what this is. They seem like a close friend but the touch is still very different. The touch feels like they are being cautious. The touch feels like they know how you feel around other people and want you to feel safe around them. It is like they can sense your uneasiness. They touch you lightly, gently. In a way that says do not be upset, you are safe. How is it no one has ever touched you this way before?

You attempt to move things to another level with this person. Social interaction is a foreign concept that you will never understand but you try. You want to take this person out on a date. Every person you have taken this step with immediately ignores and avoids you. You feel this could happen again. You do not want to lose the only person who has ever made you feel the way you think normal people feel. But still you take a chance. You do it. No response. They ignore and avoid you. You were right. It happened again.

Three weeks pass, you have moved through each of the five stages of grief because that is what you do with the smallest issue and this felt like a larger issue. The person contacts you, casually, as if nothing has happened. You start talking again, only a little at first. You also act as though nothing has happened. Are you a hypocrite? No. You just do not want to lose another person when so many in your life have left you. You still want to tell this person how important they are to you but you feel they will not feel the same. That is okay.

Maybe they struggle with their own thought the same way you do. Maybe they were just as scared and anxious as you were. Maybe they did not know how to tell you no without hurting you because even though they are not interested, they still like you and want to keep you around. There are always too many maybes. You force yourself to stop creating maybes and just be happy that someone wants to talk to you sometimes. But there will always be maybes. There will always be what ifs. Why did you say that? What are you doing? Who wants to be around you?

It is a never-ending cycle. You cannot stop the thinking. You cannot stop the worrying. You cannot stop. You only want someone to hold you but you do not want anyone to touch you. You find someone that could bring the comfort you seek and then you screw everything up before it even starts. You always screw things up because that is what you do; you overthink, you worry, you screw up, you panic over nothing, you jump into something too soon because you are afraid of missing a chance that will only come with patience. But there is no patience in anxiety.

The Hobo Spider…Man!

portland-spiders-chartOf the many spiders in the world, there are a small number whose bites are considered clinically significant.  This means the bites are very harmful to humans.  The two most well known are the Brown Recluse, also known as the fiddle back, and the Black Widow, sometimes called the southern widow.  The third lesser known is the Hobo Spider.  A bite from the Hobo Spider is not as severe as the Brown Recluse but on rare occasions, victims can display other symptoms.  Mainly, they can mutate and turn into the Hobo Spider-Man.

The Hobo Spider-Man is a most interesting creature.  He scavenges trashcans and dumpsters for food and alcohol.  He will often stand on street corners asking for change and if the person is unwilling to give, he will use his webbing that he shoots from his arm to restrain them long enough for him to search their pockets and run off with whatever he finds.  He has been known to build webs in alleys to catch rival hobos so he might have no begging competition.

When police chase after him, he scales the wall of a building with ease to avoid imprisonment.  Yes, the Hobo Spider-Man is a menace to society, so be cautious and steadfast so that you don’t get bitten and become the Hobo Spider-Man.

 

Dollar Tales

I have a new eBook that will be released on Monday, October 16.  It is available for pre-order and it will download automatically on Monday if you do.  It is only $0.99 and includes two versions of one story.  The original was first published in 2015 in my collection of short stories, Killers, Monsters, & Madmen.  The second version is the story in its entirety.  There was a lot of the story cut out for the first publication and now you can read the whole thing.  This story will also be included in my forthcoming collection of short fiction titled, Morbid Museum.

There will be other eBook coming throughout the next year leading to the release of the new collection.  These will be a series called Dollar Tales from the Morbid Museum.  “The Ghosts Inside” is available only on Amazon Kindle.  There will be free promotions now and then and I will inform everyone of these free deals.  Be sure to find my on social media: @jamespackwriter and tell me what you think of my writing or what you think of me.  Please be kind but honest.  I will post some of my writing here on my blog as well as all kinds of other things to keep me writing.

You can also find my book of poetry, Pariah Bound: The Lonesome Poetry, in both eBook and Paperback formats.  Check back regularly for free promotions and giveaways of this title as well.  I also do a little music production which I will be posting something about in the near future.  I will be hosting some panels at the Tucson Comic Con in November and I will share more details about that as we get closer to the convention.  Let me know if you’ll be there!

Slow Transitions

There has been a lot going on.  I am still transferring my VaudVil website to a new host but things should be back to normal by next week.  I have self-published a collection of all my poetry, Pariah Bound: The Lonesome Poetry, which is available for Amazon Kindle and Paperback.  I have another eBook coming out on October 16 (a small one), Dollar Tales from the Morbid Museum,  in preparation of another collection of short fiction I am working on and I even put out some music for sale though I don’t think many will be interested.  It has been a busy couple of weeks but I am always happy to stay busy.

I plan to have more writing on this blog in the near future once I have a few other things finished.  It is difficult to write fiction everyday when you also want to write articles everyday.  It is all very time consuming with a full time job but I think I will manage.  If there is anything you would like to see me write about, please send an email or fill out the contact form.  If you would like to write a review on any of my books, please contact me and I will send you a free PDF.  I do not have physical copies yet but once I do I can offer those for free as well.