You feel it coming. It slowly creeps in like a snake through the forest. You always feel it coming. No matter how prepared you are or how well you fight your own mind; the negativity gets inside your head. You battle as you have before and no matter how many times you win, it always returns. You tell yourself happy things; you tell others happy things hoping that will make you happy. You see someone else is battling negative thoughts and you send them messages and tell them nice things, sweet things, things you, yourself, want someone to say to you.
It never comes, at least not from those you wish those words would come from. Maybe now and then someone tells you a nice thing or smiles at you but you play it off as superficial; it is not real. This makes the negativity grow and fester and engorge your soul. You feel it taking over. You always feel it taking over. How do you fight something that is always there? How do you fight something that never leaves? How do you fight yourself? How do you keep it at bay for so many months only to have it reclaim your life in a single moment?
The negativity. The worry. Nothing is good enough. Even when you help pump someone else up and you think maybe they had a good day because of you; sure, you feel better but it is like a sugar rush. You get your high and then you crash and must force yourself out into the world. If you force yourself out, you can keep the bad thoughts away. At least, that is what you tell yourself. Staying busy is the key, you say; but being busy only postpones how you will feel when you get home.
No matter what you do, no matter what you accomplish, no matter how much you force positive thoughts into your head; you feel your life battery slowly drain. Everything starts to fall away. The little things go first. You hardly notice. Then bigger things and bigger things and the very large things slip into oblivion. They are not gone. You just have no desire to seek them out. You have no desire for any things you once desired. A shell of a person; dead empty eyes. You push yourself out of bed and take some vitamins; B-1; Thiamin.
Do vitamins help? You think they do. You think maybe they keep you from going all the way dark. You think they keep you away from the dark side. You have not been there in so many years and have no wish to return. The negativity, the darkness, the pain from within your own head; it is a tragedy that no one will ever see or hear. Even if you told everyone, they would never see the full picture, hear the full sound, think the full thoughts. You keep fighting the negativity away. You keep sending happy thoughts to the other people with your same thoughts. Always hoping they will return the favor.
You constantly feel like your life is going up and down and sideways and slantways and forward and backward and you have just felt every emotion and it has only been a few hours since you woke up. All these things happen to you in a short amount of time and you feel you have lived in lifetime in a matter of minutes. Some days everything makes sense and other days you do not understand why anything happens the way it does and no one believes you when you tell them nothing makes sense anymore.
You spend days worrying about everything and it feels like your mind is about to explode then one little thing happens and your whole world changes. It is difficult for you to explain this sudden change in the world to anyone so you do not even try. You get that news you have been hoping to hear but never thought would come and even though you are finally having a good and happy day, you still cannot stop thinking about everything and all the things and too many things. Fighting your mind is a never-ending battle. Peace and calm is a foreign idea you may never find.
You know the slump will come back but you do not know when. All you can do is try to force it back if you can and have little things in place that keep you up during the time you constantly feel down. Sometimes getting a discount on a purchase is the only good thing that happened that day. You count it as a win just to make yourself feel like the whole day was not a waste. It is part of the constantly changing rollercoaster of your emotions. Every day is something new and exciting and terrifying and you cannot stop from being excited and terrified about everything and all the things and too many things. You feel everything. You feel too much.
Some days are better than others. Some days are just casual; neither good nor bad. Some days you feel trapped and forgotten. Those are the days you struggle the most. Those are the days where nothing you do or think brings you peace and you try to stay busy and distracted but at least four times in that day everything will weigh you down. You never feel more alone than you do on these days. Even when you force yourself to go places to be around people, any people, it still does not feel right and you want to run away from everything.
You never run away because you are more terrified of trying to figure out what to do. No matter how painful it is, you cling to what is familiar. You are afraid of making changes but you are also afraid of missing new opportunities. You fight with yourself whether you should say something or do something or if it is worth the trouble. When you finally do something that you told yourself not to do, and everything goes wrong the same way you told yourself it would; you wish you had left things alone because you’d be better off having not done anything.
But still you try and still you hope. Things will get better you tell yourself. This is not a lie but you struggle to believe. You know things will get better but in that moment, nothing could possibly get better. Sometimes you want a hug or to feel the touch of someone special but there is no special person and you fear the touch of anyone; even family. You want to hug and love the world but the world can never touch you or care for you because you feel too much and express too little.
You feel emotions more strongly than most others but you never show them and everyone assumes you have no emotions. Part of this is a defensive wall and no one can come inside. The downside is you cannot come out of the wall. You feel trapped and forgotten inside your own head, inside your own invisible wall; no one can get in because no one knows how. Only you can remove the wall but you also do not know how. You must become your own hero because no one else will save you. You do not believe anyone wants to save you.
You see others who fight the same battle you face each day. You try to help them because in some way you think it will help you. Who better to help them than you? You understand how to touch them without touching them. You know what they want to hear. They think you are brave because you force yourself to talk about your troubles. You acknowledge the pain and embrace this. The sad truth is, no one else is brave enough to tell you what you want to hear; what you need to hear. You must tell yourself. You must become your own hero because no one else will save you. You must want to save yourself.
Some days are better than others.