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Throwback Thursday Poetry: In My Time of Dying

the days have grown beyond my reach
it appears my voice has begun to leak
listening to the Language of my Eyes
watching the distant Cries of my Mind
asking for the very last Sign
how shall i feel upon my Dark Demise
curious of my last days on the earth
what will happen during the time i die
will i continue to question my worth
will anyone notice as my body is dispersed
in the ashes my soul will lurk
until the last loved one no longer looks
at this moment, i am released
to the darkest of the deep
here i’ll stay
until existence withers away
and on that day
i shall be joined
by no one, that is to say
if i am alone on the final day

i would like to have peace
by the end of the road
but the way things are going
i just don’t know
if i will find happiness
before the end of my life
or if it will come
as i start to die
it would be ironic
to have the best day of my life
and fall with the Sun
back into the Sky
my life would end
as the Moon ascends
and the cries of the Night
would be gone out of sight
with no one to look or care
if the Divine Gift disappears
and the only one to think of me
is the voice inside Laughing

Early poetry from James. From the poetry collection Pariah Bound: The Lonesome Poetry.

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Final Thoughts in 2019

I won’t have a New Year’s Resolution this coming year. I won’t because I’m already doing things to better myself. The last couple years haven’t been easy for me. Much of that was my own fault. Many things had to happen in order for me to notice. I felt I had hit rock bottom in early October 2019. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that low. Had I lost my job on top of everything else that happened, I’m not sure what I would have done. I almost lost everything in my life. My whole world went topsy-turvy.

Long story short, I was too negative for too long. It had built up over these last two years. I didn’t notice until it was too late. I lost motivation. I lost confidence in myself. I lost friendships. Since early October, I’ve been changing how I look at and talk to myself. It’s working. But I still have a long journey ahead. I filed for bankruptcy. My court date is in January. I had a couple student loans in default. I’ve gotten one out of default and the other is on its way out of default. Bankruptcy doesn’t affect student loans.

I’m being nicer to those close to me. Some chose not to be a part of my life because of the negativity. I hope the Universe brings them back into my life during the new year. I’m also being nicer to myself. I thought I was doing enough before to combat the negativity. But I feel short of the mark. I had to increase my efforts tenfold to see a difference. I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I can’t afford to go out to most things. Some things are too far for bus rides or I can’t afford the money for bus fare. I’m keeping an eye out for things to do so I can meet new people.

I relied on those close to me too much. I’m sure this is why they pushed me away. I’m doing more to keep myself occupied when I don’t have money for other activities. I’ve been using my camera more. I enjoy taking pictures. I’m reading and writing more. I’m doing as much as I can with what I have. Every night before bed, I write down three good things that happened to me that day and why they were important to me. This is the biggest thing that’s helped. I’ve done this every day for almost three months.

My journey has only begun. I have so far to go and no idea how long it will take. But I keep moving forward. I’m hunting for the good in things. I’m staying positive. I’m not allowing my thoughts to consume me. I’m getting by. I’m surviving. I’m not making a New Year’s Resolution because I’ve already made a resolution for life. And since I’ve already started, I have no fear of giving up. I’ve done this too long now to quit. While you all start something new and eventually stop, I’ll continue what I started. I’ll continue because I like myself. I love myself. And I deserve good things.