A Letter to My Loved Ones


I’m sorry I have not expressed my needs, wants, and wishes. I often feel selfish and believe I shouldn’t voice my concerns, but I’m learning that the path to healing requires me to be a little selfish. In the past, when I’ve attempted many different things, I didn’t succeed and believed I just wasn’t good enough. With this attitude, I stopped trying and would get upset when no one did something for me. How could they? I never communicated what I wanted; what I needed. I’ve been angry for so long never realizing I’m the one deserving of that anger.

I learn something new about Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder every day and am reminded that everything I hate about myself is a symptom. These are symptoms I may have the rest of my life. One of those symptoms is the failure to express one’s needs, wants, and wishes. Not everyone can get what they want, but there is a kind of power that comes with vocalizing them. It’s similar to writing down one’s goals. Something about that process makes them real. I won’t list everything I want, but I will try to communicate them more often. That alone will be a struggle.

The purpose of this letter is to make you all aware of the problem. This is my problem that I must deal with, but I need you all to be aware. I hope you will support me in this. I hope in some ways you will help me with this. My goal for the remainder of the year is to express my needs more often. Hopefully, it will not be in a burst of anger, but please take this with a grain of salt and remember that even if I’m shouting, what’s important is that I’m communicating. I most certainly need your patience and understanding as I work through my personal issues.

This is only step one in a journey that will take several years. I don’t expect to be good at it in the beginning. I expect to forget about it now and then, but I hope you’ll remind me. The future looks terrifying, but I’m determined to win this battle as well as the oncoming war. I’ve found that ever when I’m in a good mood I still have an underlying bad attitude so maybe this will help with that. I must say one thing. I don’t think some of you know me as well as you think you do, and I think some of you will not take this letter seriously. If you want to say something you think is funny, don’t say it to me.

Life Won’t Break Me

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Life has a way of throwing you curve balls when you least expect it, but when you need it most.  I have spent years feeling that I needed to do something; that something was off and needed fixing or realigning.  I felt that I couldn’t pursue all my goals or reach my full potential until I accomplished something or learned some lesson. I had no idea how right I was at the time.  Repressed memories have started resurfacing.  Only a few for now, but I know more are on the way.  Some of this has come from talking with my sister about childhood trauma I had forgotten.

Some memories I recall clear as day, but for some reason they disappeared from my life for many years. There are other memories my sister has that I have no recollection of and probably never will.  Those memories are the ones that have to most impact on me because so many things about my life and personality now have an explanation. It was jarring to the point of destroying my personal self-image.  I felt everything I knew about myself was now a lie.  I thought I was no longer the person I had led myself to be.

This change in self-image I don’t think would have occurred if I was not going through some hard times. I am currently unemployed and having trouble finding work.  I have had several interviews and, as of today, have a couple more scheduled, but there is still no income being generated.  I have no more money to use to survive.  My sister and niece are staying with me until they get a place of their own.  Three people in a tiny one-bedroom apartment can make one more anxious than they were before.  I don’t think I’ve hit rock bottom yet, but I’m close.

Some many factors affecting my mood and mental health have in a way opened parts of my mind I had closed off and now everything is falling into place.  Seeing domestic violence at 4-years-old and this violence continuing for several years has had a tremendous impact on how my young mind developed.  I need professional help to deal with wounds I’ve ignored for so many years and to get a proper diagnosis.  I know I have anxiety, but I’m learning that this is not the problem but a symptom.  Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is likely the official diagnosis.

“Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic. C-PTSD relates to the trauma model of mental disorders and is associated with sexual, emotional or physical abuse or neglect in childhood, intimate partner violence, victims of kidnapping and hostage situations, indentured servants, victims of slavery, sweatshop workers, prisoners of war, victims of bullying, concentration camp survivors, residential school survivors, and defectors of cults or cult-like organizations.” ~ “Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder.

Of the many symptoms caused by this disorder in children, I will only list the ones that I am aware of within myself.  These are also from the Wikipedia page.

  • Problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states.
  • Poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes.
  • Fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self.
  • Difficulties regulating emotions, including symptoms such as persistent dysphoria, chronic suicidal preoccupation, self-injury, explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate), or compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality (may alternate).
  • Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.
  • Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
  • Varied changes in the perception of the perpetrator, such as attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, including a preoccupation with revenge, idealization or paradoxical gratitude, seeking approval from the perpetrator, a sense of a special relationship with the perpetrator or acceptance of the perpetrator’s belief system or rationalizations.
  • Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, anger and hostility, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.
  • Loss of, or changes in, one’s system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.
  • Disconnection from surroundings accompanied by feelings of terror and confusion.

I see everything in my life defined by these symptoms.  I recently realized that my joy and desire to write horror or speculative fiction is my brain’s way of trying to deal with or get me to remember my past trauma.  It is also my way of escaping.  As a child, I had a counselor who helped me create a kind of survival kit.  When my parents would argue, I would pull this out this coffee can wrapped in construction paper and remove the many toys I kept within.  My sister described it as going off into my own little world.  That’s why I write; to escape and go off into my own little world.

This is the difficult point in life where I must rebuild myself from nothing.  I feel I’ve lost who I was, but somehow have finally become who I always was or should be. Is it weird that I have this new zeal and ambition for life?  I don’t think so.  Everyday gets me closer to being happy with the person I’ve become and the person I am. This was the lesson I needed to learn. This is the beginning of the rest of my life.  I must deal with this before I can truly succeed in this world.  I’ve been beaten down so far, the only place I have to go is up. And nothing will stop me.

Don’t Set Goals for the New Year; Set Goals for Life


As the year comes to a close, one reflects on everything that has transpired.  So many horrible things have happened and yet, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  I have nothing but a sense of hope for the coming new year.  I feel there will be more tragedies and horrors for the world overall but my personal life, my small world, my tiny existence is about to move into a place it has never been.  I cannot say exactly what I mean because I personally don’t even know what I mean.  Things will get better.

Here are some of the hopes, dreams, and goals I have for the coming year.  I hope to get a new job that does not involve working nights and hopefully pays well.  Arguing and wrestling with drunks lost its appeal many years ago and I hope to never work in a bar environment for the rest of my life.  With a new job that frees up my nights and weekends, I will perhaps have more of a social life.  Although, I’ve never been much of a social person due to my anxiety, but I will have the opportunity and that makes me happy.

Having recently finished the first draft of a novel, I know that my writing endeavors will evolve over the next year.  My skills as a writer are growing and there are several things I need to work on to improve but I have the tools I need to achieve this.  I feel I will surely have something published soon.  If not in 2018, I will definitely have something published in 2019.  I hope to have more blog entries starting with this one.  I will not make any promises other than writing more.  Less concrete goals work better for me.

I have always felt I would change the world with my writing but felt there were many obstacles and barriers preventing my achievement of this.  I believe I know what these barriers are and I have a plan for removing them one at a time.  It will be a long process but I will achieve my goals.  I want to mention that all these hopes and dreams and goals are not New Year Resolutions.  They are simply goals one sets in one’s life.  My New Year Resolution is the same every year.  Be awesome and feel sexy.  I meet this goal every day of every year.

I hope to bring some of my newly found skills in writing to you, the public of potential or aspiring writers.  There are many things I was told over the years about writing but no one could ever offer examples of how to achieve these things.  Sometimes I thought they were just regurgitating what others had always told them.  I have found examples of these common things to avoid and, more importantly, examples of how to fix them.  It will take some time to implement these changes but I feel confident that I will finally reach success.