So, it’s been a year to the day since everything fell apart around me. I don’t want to go into all the details. On October 7, 2019 (the day after my world imploded), I started writing three good things that happened to me every day. Some days I’d write more than that, but I always made sure to have at least three. As time went on, I started writing four good things that happened to me every day and why those things were important to me. I’ve done this every day for an entire year. What’s different about myself now from one year ago?
For starters, I’m more positive. Not only that but it’s easier to see positive outcomes or circumstances. I lived so long in a black stew of anger and depression. I thought that was normal. I thought there was no way I could be wrong. I call it the black chaos. With this extra positivity, I noticed I enjoyed little things more than before. Some things I don’t remember ever enjoying. Like taking a picture with friends. That darkness kept me from living my life fully. I never realized how much I had been missing.
Another thing that changed came as a surprise to me. I was sharing some of my story with a coworker. She said she noticed a difference. I thought she would say I was happier or more cheerful. But I didn’t expect her reply. She said I had more confidence in myself. It never occurred to me that would be something that would improve. That’s when I really took hold of this positivity. Not only did I keep making changes in my life, I started looking forward to those changes and what they would bring. The sky was not the limit. The stars were not the limit. The world had become limitless.
I still have a long way to go. I’m not ready for any kind of romance. I’m not even ready for dating. My goal for this next year is to find a full-time job so I don’t have to work several part-time gigs. I have the means to live comfortably and save money, but I want something more fulfilling. I also plan to finish the first draft of the first novel I’ve ever written. Maybe I can get a publishing deal in the next year and that’ll be the first step towards a career. Like I said, possibilities are limitless.
I won’t have a New Year’s Resolution this coming year. I won’t because I’m already doing things to better myself. The last couple years haven’t been easy for me. Much of that was my own fault. Many things had to happen in order for me to notice. I felt I had hit rock bottom in early October 2019. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that low. Had I lost my job on top of everything else that happened, I’m not sure what I would have done. I almost lost everything in my life. My whole world went topsy-turvy.
Long story short, I was too negative for too long. It had built up over these last two years. I didn’t notice until it was too late. I lost motivation. I lost confidence in myself. I lost friendships. Since early October, I’ve been changing how I look at and talk to myself. It’s working. But I still have a long journey ahead. I filed for bankruptcy. My court date is in January. I had a couple student loans in default. I’ve gotten one out of default and the other is on its way out of default. Bankruptcy doesn’t affect student loans.
I’m being nicer to those close to me. Some chose not to be a part of my life because of the negativity. I hope the Universe brings them back into my life during the new year. I’m also being nicer to myself. I thought I was doing enough before to combat the negativity. But I feel short of the mark. I had to increase my efforts tenfold to see a difference. I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I can’t afford to go out to most things. Some things are too far for bus rides or I can’t afford the money for bus fare. I’m keeping an eye out for things to do so I can meet new people.
I relied on those close to me too much. I’m sure this is why they pushed me away. I’m doing more to keep myself occupied when I don’t have money for other activities. I’ve been using my camera more. I enjoy taking pictures. I’m reading and writing more. I’m doing as much as I can with what I have. Every night before bed, I write down three good things that happened to me that day and why they were important to me. This is the biggest thing that’s helped. I’ve done this every day for almost three months.
My journey has only begun. I have so far to go and no idea how long it will take. But I keep moving forward. I’m hunting for the good in things. I’m staying positive. I’m not allowing my thoughts to consume me. I’m getting by. I’m surviving. I’m not making a New Year’s Resolution because I’ve already made a resolution for life. And since I’ve already started, I have no fear of giving up. I’ve done this too long now to quit. While you all start something new and eventually stop, I’ll continue what I started. I’ll continue because I like myself. I love myself. And I deserve good things.