I think I understand why people go to bars I mean those people who go every day for hours I never saw the appeal or desire to be Drunk sitting with other drunks with no ambition Maybe that was my reasoning. It didn’t feel productive But to them I think it feels like socializing I sit in coffee shops, usually reading or writing But it also feels like I’m socializing I can talk to someone if I want to or not I’m still around people. I feel like a part of the world Sometimes that’s enough to not feel lonely And people go to bars, so they feel like a part of the world
here you see the Preps with their stylish clothes and perky faces they remain happy with thoughts of angles the people who attend church every Sunday and buy their children cars for their 16th birthday
here you see the Gangsta’s with their gold chains and sideways caps they look over exaggerate the way they talk and act the people who speak english worse than immigrants they brag constantly about their accomplishments
here you see the Punks with their green hair and Mohawks they think the world hates them though it does not the people who look weird just to be different look like a Picasso painting on canvas
here you see the Goths with their dark clothes and morbid minds they think about death all the time the people who frighten the other groups of the world will continue to do so with the smirk of a girl
Toward the end of January, I went hard with social media posting. I posted something every day and I checked notifications constantly. I think this took a toll on me. All that extra noise on top of already feeling depressed and people started telling me that I always say something that rubs people the wrong way. It makes me wonder if everyone I’ve met has felt this way and perhaps that is why I have difficulty maintaining relationships of all kinds. Have people only put up with me to avoid further conflict?
All this added up to needing a break from many things. I spent a day at home, signed out of and deleted social media apps, and spent the whole day in my pajamas. I think some would call this a recovery day. I think it helped. I have a refueled ambition for my blog but also for how to move forward with social media in regard to my writing. Within 24 hours of hitting my lowest point in a long time, I have bounced back to at least a slightly functional human. I have a list of tasks I need to complete, but I’m uncertain how to move forward with personal relationships.
This has always been something I’ve struggled with and when I think I’ve improved, I find more obstacles. It’s a never-ending battle and sometimes I wish I didn’t have to hold a job and could just write every day and make enough income to survive. I’m taking steps to move my life in that direction, and it will be years before that is my sole source of income. I have an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist and hopefully from that first session I can get a plan of action. I’m giving myself a year to work on many things.
There are many factors I have no control over, and these are the things I think I struggle with the most. There is only so much I can do about my financial situation and stabilizing that holds the biggest uncertainty. Almost half of this past year I was unemployed, and many other things caused it to be potentially the worst year in my recent life. I think that’s why I’ve hit such a low point and can’t find any resolution. So, I do the only thing I know how to do. I bury myself in my work and avoid all humans. Sometimes that’s what I must do to survive.
James Pack 