I’ve been lacking in my updates and posts lately. I’ve stayed busy and most of my time has gone elsewhere with multiple jobs and other writing adventures. I created links for all my published works where they were first published if not in an eBook on the right column of my website. I hope to have many more published but I’m behind on writing and editing; mostly editing. I will only get further behind during the holidays. This is the time I put in the most work for the Tucson Fringe Festival, of which I am a member of the board and the treasurer. The festival is mid-January, so all the planning happens in November and December.
I’ve started a new novel which I’ve had to put on hold to finish other projects, but the outline is finished and sometimes the hardest part is figuring out the sequence of events. I have a long way to go before my novella is finished. The writing is done but it requires so much editing and it’s the longest work I’ve ever written which makes it more time consuming. Then I have multiple short stories that need finished and edited. A private office would be helpful, but I don’t have the money at the moment and that’s why I’m working multiple jobs.
I am not in a position where I can work for myself which would be the best thing for me. I’d have less stress and fewer worries provided I’m making enough money. I usually don’t and can’t afford food let alone things like health care. Currently, my finances are leveling off, but I feel overworked and too tired to do much writing. I’m impressed with how much I’ve completed the last couple months. I haven’t done much reading either. Reading can be therapeutic so not reading I think is adding to the stress. Not writing is stressful too.
I hope to find some balance in everything soon, but it can be hard to stay motivated. I go through many peaks and valleys with my motivation and my personal adventures are the first to go when I lose motivation. If I can chip away a little each week, I’ll continue to function and feel productive and not lose my mind. It would be nice if I could work on my creative projects full time because working a random job (or jobs) full-time stifles my creativity. Maybe I just haven’t found that easy job that’s low stress and pays well. I’ll just have to keep struggling for a while.
You sit there, reading, minding your own business. To everyone else you look normal. They all think you’re a normal person having a coffee reading a book. Most of them don’t notice you. You blend into the crowd. You hide in plain sight. None of them could know what you think and feel, and you dare not tell anyone. You’re afraid it will scare them because it does scare you.
You sit, invisible to everyone; with your chest pounding, your thoughts racing, your hands shaking. You’re reacting to something. Something triggered you. Sometimes you know exactly why you were triggered. This is not one of those times. You don’t understand. You can’t explain it. You pick at your fingernails and cuticles. You twirl a pen or pencil in your fingers. You refill your coffee. Was it the coffee? Should you stop drinking coffee? The coffee didn’t bother you yesterday.
You survey the coffee shop. No one knows what’s happening to you. Even if they knew, they wouldn’t understand or care. Why should they care about you? They have their own problems. They’d think you were just some jackass craving attention. You know that’s what they’d think because that’s what you would think. But no one cares what you think just like no one cares what you’re feeling or what you’re doing. You’re the most insignificant person in existence.
You’ve pulled one of your cuticles too much and now you bleed. This distraction only works for a minute. Your thoughts stop racing, but your chest never stops pounding. You want to runaway but don’t know where. What you run from will follow you. How do you get away? Your thoughts are racing back, and your bloody finger doesn’t hurt anymore. You can’t even hurt yourself properly. There are never enough distractions.
You leave. You walk. You burn energy. It distracts you some and makes you tired. You need to feel tired. Keep running away until you’re tired; until your thoughts are tired.
I am unemployed. I search for work almost every day. Now and then I get lucky and get an interview, but they always find someone else who’s more qualified for the job. I feel I’m not qualified enough for any job. But still I search and apply. I have an internal battle every day. I want to push everyone in my life away and become a hermit who hides from everyone and everything. This hiding isn’t so much out of fear but because I can’t learn to function around other people. No matter how long I’ve known them, I find myself feeling out of place and lost everywhere. But still I try to connect with others and force myself into social settings.
I have several things I want to do; several ambitions. Being unemployed and barely having money for food or utilities has put many of those things on hold. It’s an issue of priority. Basic needs must come first, followed by security, and then pursuing the many ambitions I have. It’s never easy foregoing one’s dreams to deal with basic necessities. But still I pursue those dreams. Though at a slower pace than I would prefer. The dreams always feel too far away to reach. But still I reach. The negativity in my mind holds and pulls me down deeper and deeper into a black pit of darkness. But still I fight to break free.
I’m beginning to feel that my only options are to move to another city and another state to find work, reenlist in the military which means I’ll be sent who knows where for at least 3 years, or do something that will send me to prison just, so I can have food and a place to sleep. Each of these scenarios means moving farther away from my dreams and ambitions and giving up everything I’ve built thus far. I grew up being told by everyone to follow my dreams. All that has brought me is more struggle and pain. But still I dream. If I had given up on my dreams, I would be even more depressed and miserable than I am now.
I don’t know what the future holds. I feel stuck and trapped and it feels like my situation keeps getting worse. I know things will get better, but my concern is how long that will take. How long will I fight and struggle and lose everything before I can move forward? Will I keep fighting to the bitter end or will it all finally get to me, break me down, and cause me to give in and give up? I can’t give up because I have nothing else. I feel I’m stuck in a room full of people, but no one is allowed to speak to me or help me. I’m an outcast; a pariah. Even when I ask for help, I still have to fight it alone. But still I persevere. I never give up and never surrender. I never let the darkness keep me.