Some days are better than others. Some days are just casual; neither good nor bad. Some days you feel trapped and forgotten. Those are the days you struggle the most. Those are the days where nothing you do or think brings you peace and you try to stay busy and distracted but at least four times in that day everything will weigh you down. You never feel more alone than you do on these days. Even when you force yourself to go places to be around people, any people, it still does not feel right and you want to run away from everything.
You never run away because you are more terrified of trying to figure out what to do. No matter how painful it is, you cling to what is familiar. You are afraid of making changes but you are also afraid of missing new opportunities. You fight with yourself whether you should say something or do something or if it is worth the trouble. When you finally do something that you told yourself not to do, and everything goes wrong the same way you told yourself it would; you wish you had left things alone because you’d be better off having not done anything.
But still you try and still you hope. Things will get better you tell yourself. This is not a lie but you struggle to believe. You know things will get better but in that moment, nothing could possibly get better. Sometimes you want a hug or to feel the touch of someone special but there is no special person and you fear the touch of anyone; even family. You want to hug and love the world but the world can never touch you or care for you because you feel too much and express too little.
You feel emotions more strongly than most others but you never show them and everyone assumes you have no emotions. Part of this is a defensive wall and no one can come inside. The downside is you cannot come out of the wall. You feel trapped and forgotten inside your own head, inside your own invisible wall; no one can get in because no one knows how. Only you can remove the wall but you also do not know how. You must become your own hero because no one else will save you. You do not believe anyone wants to save you.
You see others who fight the same battle you face each day. You try to help them because in some way you think it will help you. Who better to help them than you? You understand how to touch them without touching them. You know what they want to hear. They think you are brave because you force yourself to talk about your troubles. You acknowledge the pain and embrace this. The sad truth is, no one else is brave enough to tell you what you want to hear; what you need to hear. You must tell yourself. You must become your own hero because no one else will save you. You must want to save yourself.
Some days are better than others.
James Pack 