It starts with resentment –
Not only with people
With places, social constructs
Even belief systems –
So much anger and resentment
I can think of a few things
My father – my mother –
My sisters – myself –
Society’s version of masculinity
I resent these things
My closest friends, I resent them too –
What if it’s my anger
Towards my family projected
Onto my friends –
Do they resent me
I fear being alone
I fear not being good enough
I fear I’ll become my father
I fear I am my father
I fear being taken for granted
I react in anger to many things
I spent years feeling only anger –
I didn’t know why I was angry –
I pushed others away
Before they could get close
I was angry because I was afraid
I’m ashamed of my fears
I feel guilty for never letting someone in
And hurting those who tried
I don’t allow myself happiness
I’ve hated my friends
Because I felt ignored and abandoned
I’m ashamed I was angry –
I’m ashamed I pushed away
Those who cared for me most
I don’t know why those closest to me
Still want me in their lives
I don’t know why they stay
When so many others have left –
I have to make amends
From the poetry collection Cats, Coffee, Catharsis.
This is not a post about resolutions or any “new year, new me” nonsense. I prefer setting goals rather than resolutions. Goals are easier to attain and they are more flexible with the uncertainty of life. Goals can be adjusted and revised. There’s less pressure to achieve a goal as long as you’re working towards that goal. The accomplishment is still there. This is why people don’t follow through with resolutions. There’s too much pressure to sustain that resolution for the entire year. Making short-term achievable goals is more realistic than resolutions.
Many people try going to the gym for a new year’s resolution. After a few weeks, they stop going. I suggest you set a goal to eat healthier food and try to be more active. These goals are easier to achieve and you don’t have to focus on these things every single day. Goals are intended to start out small and gradually build. Maybe one year, going to the gym three times a week will be an achievable goal. But first you have to get yourself to that point. You can’t jump to the finish line. Life is never that easy.
I have a few goals of my own. These are things I’ve been working on over that past year and plan to continue. I’m saving money to one day get a down payment for my own house. It’ll be a couple years before I have enough saved so this is more of a long-term goal. I also plan to finish my novel this coming year. I have about 15 chapters left to write. That might seem like a lot, but I have 33 chapters finished. I’ve finished the majority making the finish more attainable. Those are just a couple of small things I’m preparing for the new year. What goals have you made? What does the new year hold for you?
December 26 is National Thank You Note Day. The idea is to thank people for their gifts, hospitality, and generosity. This doesn’t have to be related to Christmas or other holidays. Last year, I sent out cards thanking people for all the help they had given me during the previous year. It was an important step for me to not only appreciate others but for me to show more gratitude. That’s not something I had done well before. Gratitude is another part of being kind to others. They say it’s better to give than to receive. And it’s better to give gratitude and appreciation than anything else.
Many people will complain they didn’t like a gift from someone. Others will say it’s the thought that counts. Even if you didn’t like a gift, write a thank you note anyway. Thank the person for thinking of you. Thank them for the thoughtfulness. You don’t have to mention whether you liked the gift or not. But don’t be a Negative Nancy. Appreciate the person’s kindness. Appreciate getting a gift at all. Some people don’t have families or friends. They don’t receive gifts or celebrate. So, thanks others for gifts they sent. And keep an eye out for those who might feel alone. Thank them for being around.