Poetry Monday: Beginning Step Four

It starts with resentment – 
Not only with people
With places, social constructs
Even belief systems – 
So much anger and resentment

I can think of a few things
My father – my mother – 
My sisters – myself – 
Society’s version of masculinity
I resent these things

My closest friends, I resent them too –
What if it’s my anger
Towards my family projected
Onto my friends – 
Do they resent me

I fear being alone
I fear not being good enough
I fear I’ll become my father
I fear I am my father
I fear being taken for granted

I react in anger to many things
I spent years feeling only anger – 
I didn’t know why I was angry – 
I pushed others away
Before they could get close

I was angry because I was afraid
I’m ashamed of my fears
I feel guilty for never letting someone in
And hurting those who tried
I don’t allow myself happiness

I’ve hated my friends
Because I felt ignored and abandoned
I’m ashamed I was angry – 
I’m ashamed I pushed away
Those who cared for me most

I don’t know why those closest to me
Still want me in their lives
I don’t know why they stay
When so many others have left – 
I have to make amends

From the poetry collection Cats, Coffee, Catharsis.

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