It starts with resentment –
Not only with people
With places, social constructs
Even belief systems –
So much anger and resentment
I can think of a few things
My father – my mother –
My sisters – myself –
Society’s version of masculinity
I resent these things
My closest friends, I resent them too –
What if it’s my anger
Towards my family projected
Onto my friends –
Do they resent me
I fear being alone
I fear not being good enough
I fear I’ll become my father
I fear I am my father
I fear being taken for granted
I react in anger to many things
I spent years feeling only anger –
I didn’t know why I was angry –
I pushed others away
Before they could get close
I was angry because I was afraid
I’m ashamed of my fears
I feel guilty for never letting someone in
And hurting those who tried
I don’t allow myself happiness
I’ve hated my friends
Because I felt ignored and abandoned
I’m ashamed I was angry –
I’m ashamed I pushed away
Those who cared for me most
I don’t know why those closest to me
Still want me in their lives
I don’t know why they stay
When so many others have left –
I have to make amends
From the poetry collection Cats, Coffee, Catharsis.
James Pack 