Horror Author
All these childish boys
Competing for the top prize
They want to be the smartest
The fastest, the strongest, the toughest
The meanest, the sexiest, the best
They want to be the Alpha
The man in charge
The man about town
The one all the women want
And all the men want to be
These are the dreams of boys
Sadly, some people stay boys for life
From the poetry collection Men Are Garbage.
Toward the end of January, I went hard with social media posting. I posted something every day and I checked notifications constantly. I think this took a toll on me. All that extra noise on top of already feeling depressed and people started telling me that I always say something that rubs people the wrong way. It makes me wonder if everyone I’ve met has felt this way and perhaps that is why I have difficulty maintaining relationships of all kinds. Have people only put up with me to avoid further conflict?
All this added up to needing a break from many things. I spent a day at home, signed out of and deleted social media apps, and spent the whole day in my pajamas. I think some would call this a recovery day. I think it helped. I have a refueled ambition for my blog but also for how to move forward with social media in regard to my writing. Within 24 hours of hitting my lowest point in a long time, I have bounced back to at least a slightly functional human. I have a list of tasks I need to complete, but I’m uncertain how to move forward with personal relationships.
This has always been something I’ve struggled with and when I think I’ve improved, I find more obstacles. It’s a never-ending battle and sometimes I wish I didn’t have to hold a job and could just write every day and make enough income to survive. I’m taking steps to move my life in that direction, and it will be years before that is my sole source of income. I have an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist and hopefully from that first session I can get a plan of action. I’m giving myself a year to work on many things.
There are many factors I have no control over, and these are the things I think I struggle with the most. There is only so much I can do about my financial situation and stabilizing that holds the biggest uncertainty. Almost half of this past year I was unemployed, and many other things caused it to be potentially the worst year in my recent life. I think that’s why I’ve hit such a low point and can’t find any resolution. So, I do the only thing I know how to do. I bury myself in my work and avoid all humans. Sometimes that’s what I must do to survive.
I’ve been lacking in my updates and posts lately. I’ve stayed busy and most of my time has gone elsewhere with multiple jobs and other writing adventures. I created links for all my published works where they were first published if not in an eBook on the right column of my website. I hope to have many more published but I’m behind on writing and editing; mostly editing. I will only get further behind during the holidays. This is the time I put in the most work for the Tucson Fringe Festival, of which I am a member of the board and the treasurer. The festival is mid-January, so all the planning happens in November and December.
I’ve started a new novel which I’ve had to put on hold to finish other projects, but the outline is finished and sometimes the hardest part is figuring out the sequence of events. I have a long way to go before my novella is finished. The writing is done but it requires so much editing and it’s the longest work I’ve ever written which makes it more time consuming. Then I have multiple short stories that need finished and edited. A private office would be helpful, but I don’t have the money at the moment and that’s why I’m working multiple jobs.
I am not in a position where I can work for myself which would be the best thing for me. I’d have less stress and fewer worries provided I’m making enough money. I usually don’t and can’t afford food let alone things like health care. Currently, my finances are leveling off, but I feel overworked and too tired to do much writing. I’m impressed with how much I’ve completed the last couple months. I haven’t done much reading either. Reading can be therapeutic so not reading I think is adding to the stress. Not writing is stressful too.
I hope to find some balance in everything soon, but it can be hard to stay motivated. I go through many peaks and valleys with my motivation and my personal adventures are the first to go when I lose motivation. If I can chip away a little each week, I’ll continue to function and feel productive and not lose my mind. It would be nice if I could work on my creative projects full time because working a random job (or jobs) full-time stifles my creativity. Maybe I just haven’t found that easy job that’s low stress and pays well. I’ll just have to keep struggling for a while.
James Pack 