Tag: darkness

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The Pulitzer, Publishing, Contests, and Beta Readers


I mentioned a few posts ago that I had a short story accepted for publication on Jitter Press. I have recently had another story accepted for publication for another online magazine, Uncaged Book Reviews. As the title suggests, they write and publish book reviews. For their October issue, they were seeking a few short horror stories to include for this Halloween edition. I sent in a story and they’ve agreed to include it in the publication. There is no payment, but it’s great exposure and I’m looking forward to seeing my stories published in different places.

With the publication of my recent work of poetry, “Men Are Garbage,” I felt it had the right social commentary to be considered for The Pulitzer Prize in a collection of Verse. I paid the $75 entry fee and sent four paperback copies of the book to the people who judge works for the Pulitzer. I feel this is a gutsy move and I’m not confident that I have the skill to win. I submitted anyway just to say I did. I won’t know anything one way or the other until next Spring. I am happy to forget about it until then.

I plan to submit some work to a couple writing contests. One of them has not responded to my email with questions about guidelines and things and their deadline is quickly approaching. I may wait on that contest until next year and focus instead on the one for the Tucson Festival of Books happening in March 2019. Their contest submission deadline is the end of October giving me plenty of time. Their contest rules are also straight forward and don’t require me to email them questions. I can just submit once I have the money for the submission fees.

Speaking of saving up for submission fees, I’m working three jobs (sort of) not including anything I do for writing. I am a partner with Starbucks, a stagehand for Centennial Hall (the home of Broadway in Tucson), and I work with local nonprofits and artists with publicity and marketing. I have a full plate and still find time to do some writing. Some of my third job work in pro-bono too meaning I don’t get paid for all those things I do. However, staying busy keeps me from going insane or falling into the darkness.

I’ve also sent my novella to my small group of beta readers. I’ve gotten a little feedback which pointed out I still have many typographical errors to fix. This is why we have beta readers. Imagine if I had self-published this work anyway. I am grateful to the readers I currently have but I am always looking for more. You can find that information on my Beta Readers Page and also search for it on Facebook. Those are the current crazy updates and I’ll have many more. I’m still trying to figure out how to get some VaudVil shows going again. The future looks bright, busy, and exhausting.

 

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I Don’t Give Up


I am unemployed.  I search for work almost every day.  Now and then I get lucky and get an interview, but they always find someone else who’s more qualified for the job.  I feel I’m not qualified enough for any job. But still I search and apply.  I have an internal battle every day.  I want to push everyone in my life away and become a hermit who hides from everyone and everything.  This hiding isn’t so much out of fear but because I can’t learn to function around other people.  No matter how long I’ve known them, I find myself feeling out of place and lost everywhere.  But still I try to connect with others and force myself into social settings.

I have several things I want to do; several ambitions.  Being unemployed and barely having money for food or utilities has put many of those things on hold.  It’s an issue of priority.  Basic needs must come first, followed by security, and then pursuing the many ambitions I have.  It’s never easy foregoing one’s dreams to deal with basic necessities.  But still I pursue those dreams.  Though at a slower pace than I would prefer.  The dreams always feel too far away to reach.  But still I reach.  The negativity in my mind holds and pulls me down deeper and deeper into a black pit of darkness.  But still I fight to break free.

I’m beginning to feel that my only options are to move to another city and another state to find work, reenlist in the military which means I’ll be sent who knows where for at least 3 years, or do something that will send me to prison just, so I can have food and a place to sleep.  Each of these scenarios means moving farther away from my dreams and ambitions and giving up everything I’ve built thus far.  I grew up being told by everyone to follow my dreams.  All that has brought me is more struggle and pain.  But still I dream.  If I had given up on my dreams, I would be even more depressed and miserable than I am now.

I don’t know what the future holds.  I feel stuck and trapped and it feels like my situation keeps getting worse.  I know things will get better, but my concern is how long that will take.  How long will I fight and struggle and lose everything before I can move forward? Will I keep fighting to the bitter end or will it all finally get to me, break me down, and cause me to give in and give up?  I can’t give up because I have nothing else.  I feel I’m stuck in a room full of people, but no one is allowed to speak to me or help me.  I’m an outcast; a pariah.  Even when I ask for help, I still have to fight it alone.  But still I persevere.  I never give up and never surrender.  I never let the darkness keep me.

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The Negative Thoughts

You feel it coming. It slowly creeps in like a snake through the forest. You always feel it coming. No matter how prepared you are or how well you fight your own mind; the negativity gets inside your head. You battle as you have before and no matter how many times you win, it always returns. You tell yourself happy things; you tell others happy things hoping that will make you happy. You see someone else is battling negative thoughts and you send them messages and tell them nice things, sweet things, things you, yourself, want someone to say to you.

It never comes, at least not from those you wish those words would come from. Maybe now and then someone tells you a nice thing or smiles at you but you play it off as superficial; it is not real. This makes the negativity grow and fester and engorge your soul. You feel it taking over. You always feel it taking over. How do you fight something that is always there? How do you fight something that never leaves? How do you fight yourself? How do you keep it at bay for so many months only to have it reclaim your life in a single moment?

The negativity. The worry. Nothing is good enough. Even when you help pump someone else up and you think maybe they had a good day because of you; sure, you feel better but it is like a sugar rush. You get your high and then you crash and must force yourself out into the world. If you force yourself out, you can keep the bad thoughts away. At least, that is what you tell yourself. Staying busy is the key, you say; but being busy only postpones how you will feel when you get home.

No matter what you do, no matter what you accomplish, no matter how much you force positive thoughts into your head; you feel your life battery slowly drain. Everything starts to fall away. The little things go first. You hardly notice. Then bigger things and bigger things and the very large things slip into oblivion. They are not gone. You just have no desire to seek them out. You have no desire for any things you once desired. A shell of a person; dead empty eyes. You push yourself out of bed and take some vitamins; B-1; Thiamin.

Do vitamins help? You think they do. You think maybe they keep you from going all the way dark. You think they keep you away from the dark side. You have not been there in so many years and have no wish to return. The negativity, the darkness, the pain from within your own head; it is a tragedy that no one will ever see or hear. Even if you told everyone, they would never see the full picture, hear the full sound, think the full thoughts. You keep fighting the negativity away. You keep sending happy thoughts to the other people with your same thoughts. Always hoping they will return the favor.