Coffee & Contemplation: Mental Health

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I have dealt with my own mental health issues for many years. I have a long way to go in my recovery, but writing has always been helpful and therapeutic. Not only do I write for my personal blog, fiction, and poetry, I also write on occasion for another blog. I don’t get paid. I write because it helps me, and I hope it helps others who read what I share. It’s called The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog. I don’t have bipolar disorder, but I am allowed to write about my experiences.

I have also written for The Mighty. A site that covers many different kinds of mental and chronic health issues. I deal with childhood trauma and many other traumatic events. This has caused anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress. I spent years trying to make sense of these things. Early on, I wasn’t aware of all my symptoms. I wasn’t aware of how I allowed these painful memories to impact my daily life. As I overcame one obstacle, another would take its place. A never-ending battle. I continue on doing as much as I can and trying to stay positive. 

After two years of writing for these sites and on my own, I decided to compile many of these blog posts into one collection. I share my thoughts in my collection Mushaburui: A Mental Health Journey. It’s on sale in paperback and Amazon Kindle. My hope with that book was to help others realize they were not alone. I hope others read my experiences and they get the desire to keep fighting. Calling myself a mental health warrior helps build confidence in myself. I want to help build confidence in others. I want others to know they still have a fighting chance.

Poetry Monday: Hell is a Lonely Place

The more time I spend
With other people whether
They’re strangers or friends
The more I feel alone – 
These people, these activities
They’re only distractions
To keep my mind off
How alone I feel – 
There’s no one to help me
No one to make it all better
It’s in my head and 
I have to fix it
Because I created this problem – 
I created all the sadness
And anger and loss – 
Yes, I’ve felt pain
And trauma from others
But they didn’t allow it
To stew and fester within – 
I did that – 
I am the architect of my own hell
And I will be its destroyer – 
But I don’t know how

From the poetry collection Cats, Coffee, Catharsis.

Poetry Monday: Lethargy

Is this depression – 
A lack of interest
In all things
In everything
In nothing – 
I just lay here
With my thoughts
No distractions
Nothing to stop me
From thinking too much
A downward spiral
Into the darkness
Because of boredom – 
Am I just bored
And feel unhappy
Because I’m not
Entertained – 
Are boredom
And depression
The same thing
But from different
Perspectives
Like the opposite
Sides of a coin – 
I can force
Myself into some
Activity
Something to keep
The darkness away
But it’s always there
Lurking
Plotting
Biding its time
Waiting to consume
When I’m most
Vulnerable – 
Why do I
Feel this way
Why do I
Always return
To the black pit
Standing at the edge
Thinking that
Dark mystery
Is more attractive
Then life
Then living
Then love – 
I don’t want
To go into the pit
But I’m running
Out of directions
To turn

From the poetry collection Cats, Coffee, Catharsis.