Feelings and Things

You constantly feel like your life is going up and down and sideways and slantways and forward and backward and you have just felt every emotion and it has only been a few hours since you woke up.  All these things happen to you in a short amount of time and you feel you have lived in lifetime in a matter of minutes.  Some days everything makes sense and other days you do not understand why anything happens the way it does and no one believes you when you tell them nothing makes sense anymore.

You spend days worrying about everything and it feels like your mind is about to explode then one little thing happens and your whole world changes.  It is difficult for you to explain this sudden change in the world to anyone so you do not even try.  You get that news you have been hoping to hear but never thought would come and even though you are finally having a good and happy day, you still cannot stop thinking about everything and all the things and too many things.  Fighting your mind is a never-ending battle.  Peace and calm is a foreign idea you may never find.

You know the slump will come back but you do not know when.  All you can do is try to force it back if you can and have little things in place that keep you up during the time you constantly feel down.  Sometimes getting a discount on a purchase is the only good thing that happened that day.  You count it as a win just to make yourself feel like the whole day was not a waste.  It is part of the constantly changing rollercoaster of your emotions.  Every day is something new and exciting and terrifying and you cannot stop from being excited and terrified about everything and all the things and too many things.  You feel everything.  You feel too much.

Trapped and Forgotten


Some days are better than others.  Some days are just casual; neither good nor bad.  Some days you feel trapped and forgotten.  Those are the days you struggle the most.  Those are the days where nothing you do or think brings you peace and you try to stay busy and distracted but at least four times in that day everything will weigh you down.  You never feel more alone than you do on these days.  Even when you force yourself to go places to be around people, any people, it still does not feel right and you want to run away from everything.

You never run away because you are more terrified of trying to figure out what to do.  No matter how painful it is, you cling to what is familiar.  You are afraid of making changes but you are also afraid of missing new opportunities.  You fight with yourself whether you should say something or do something or if it is worth the trouble.  When you finally do something that you told yourself not to do, and everything goes wrong the same way you told yourself it would; you wish you had left things alone because you’d be better off having not done anything.

But still you try and still you hope.  Things will get better you tell yourself.  This is not a lie but you struggle to believe.  You know things will get better but in that moment, nothing could possibly get better.  Sometimes you want a hug or to feel the touch of someone special but there is no special person and you fear the touch of anyone; even family.  You want to hug and love the world but the world can never touch you or care for you because you feel too much and express too little.

You feel emotions more strongly than most others but you never show them and everyone assumes you have no emotions.  Part of this is a defensive wall and no one can come inside.  The downside is you cannot come out of the wall.  You feel trapped and forgotten inside your own head, inside your own invisible wall; no one can get in because no one knows how.  Only you can remove the wall but you also do not know how.  You must become your own hero because no one else will save you.  You do not believe anyone wants to save you.

You see others who fight the same battle you face each day.  You try to help them because in some way you think it will help you.  Who better to help them than you?  You understand how to touch them without touching them.  You know what they want to hear.  They think you are brave because you force yourself to talk about your troubles.  You acknowledge the pain and embrace this.  The sad truth is, no one else is brave enough to tell you what you want to hear; what you need to hear.  You must tell yourself.  You must become your own hero because no one else will save you.  You must want to save yourself.

Some days are better than others.

I am a Writer

I have been writing for almost fifteen years.  I really feel this is one of my strongest skills.  I believe I am good at many things.  When it comes to writing, I feel great.  Have I been professionally published?  No.  Have I sold lots of stories and made money from my writing?  Not really.  Have I self-published and sold a few to people who were not friends or family?  Kind of I guess.  It is not an easy market to jump into but I believe I have been writing long enough and have acquired enough knowledge and skill to really change the world through writing.

If you are reading this than I have already succeeded in one small way.  Who knew that was all it took?  It does not matter how much money one makes, or how many times one is published.  That is the business of writing, yes, but that is not what makes a great writer.  I can insert a couple of popular contemporary writers who are simply terrible.  I do not think this is the fault of the writer but more of the editor and the agent for not working to make the writing better.  That is the purpose of agents and editors, to make the story or book marketable and profitable.  That is all.

So, with the marketable/profitable angle, I am in no way successful.  From the artist perspective, I have made a small impact on a few people.  That is the purpose for any artist; to make people feel something.  It does not matter what it is if the person has some feeling from the artist’s work.  It could be anger, happiness, melancholy, ambivalence, whatever…  I recently realized this was, on a small scale, the purpose of human interaction.  We are here to make each other fell something.

People have spent centuries trying to discover what it all means.  I think the poets, painters, sculptures, writers, and any other artists are closer than anyone else.  The purpose of life is to create and to feel.  Unfortunately, everyone just wants to be numb and destroy everything.  Now more than ever does the world need painters and poets and any other artists.  Now more than ever does the world need to create and to feel.  It is in emotions that we are reminded of our humanity.  It is creation that brings out the best in everyone.  So, I write.

When I feel something strongly, I write.  When I cannot find the words, I write.  I do not always write about what has transpired but when I write something, when I create something, it brings out the best I have and makes me feel like I have a purpose.  While I don’t know what it is exactly, I have a divine life purpose.  I have a soul mission.  I have a reason for being and I think it involves writing.  Maybe most of you will not read this.  Maybe most of you in the world will ignore anything I can offer.  That will never stop me from writing because sometimes writing is the only thing I have.