Nonfiction – Page 7

June 1, 2018

Life Won’t Break Me

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Life has a way of throwing you curve balls when you least expect it, but when you need it most. I have spent years feeling that I needed to do something; that something was off and needed fixing or realigning. I felt that I couldn’t pursue all my goals or reach my full potential until I accomplished something or learned some lesson. I had no idea how right I was at the time. Repressed memories have started resurfacing. Only a few for now, but I know more are on the way. Some of this has come from talking with my sister about childhood trauma I had forgotten.

Some memories I recall clear as day, but for some reason they disappeared from my life for many years. There are other memories my sister has that I have no recollection of and probably never will. Those memories are the ones that have to most impact on me because so many things about my life and personality now have an explanation. It was jarring to the point of destroying my personal self-image. I felt everything I knew about myself was now a lie. I thought I was no longer the person I had led myself to be.

This change in self-image I don’t think would have occurred if I was not going through some hard times. I am currently unemployed and having trouble finding work. I have had several interviews and, as of today, have a couple more scheduled, but there is still no income being generated. I have no more money to use to survive. My sister and niece are staying with me until they get a place of their own. Three people in a tiny one-bedroom apartment can make one more anxious than they were before. I don’t think I’ve hit rock bottom yet, but I’m close.

Some many factors affecting my mood and mental health have in a way opened parts of my mind I had closed off and now everything is falling into place. Seeing domestic violence at 4-years-old and this violence continuing for several years has had a tremendous impact on how my young mind developed. I need professional help to deal with wounds I’ve ignored for so many years and to get a proper diagnosis. I know I have anxiety, but I’m learning that this is not the problem but a symptom. Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is likely the official diagnosis.

“Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder thought to occur as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving sustained abuse or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic. C-PTSD relates to the trauma model of mental disorders and is associated with sexual, emotional or physical abuse or neglect in childhood, intimate partner violence, victims of kidnapping and hostage situations, indentured servants, victims of slavery, sweatshop workers, prisoners of war, victims of bullying, concentration camp survivors, residential school survivors, and defectors of cults or cult-like organizations.” ~ “Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder.

Of the many symptoms caused by this disorder in children, I will only list the ones that I am aware of within myself. These are also from the Wikipedia page.

Problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states.
Poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes.
Fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self.
Difficulties regulating emotions, including symptoms such as persistent dysphoria, chronic suicidal preoccupation, self-injury, explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate), or compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality (may alternate).
Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.
Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
Varied changes in the perception of the perpetrator, such as attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, including a preoccupation with revenge, idealization or paradoxical gratitude, seeking approval from the perpetrator, a sense of a special relationship with the perpetrator or acceptance of the perpetrator’s belief system or rationalizations.
Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, anger and hostility, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.
Loss of, or changes in, one’s system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.
Disconnection from surroundings accompanied by feelings of terror and confusion.

I see everything in my life defined by these symptoms. I recently realized that my joy and desire to write horror or speculative fiction is my brain’s way of trying to deal with or get me to remember my past trauma. It is also my way of escaping. As a child, I had a counselor who helped me create a kind of survival kit. When my parents would argue, I would pull this out this coffee can wrapped in construction paper and remove the many toys I kept within. My sister described it as going off into my own little world. That’s why I write; to escape and go off into my own little world.

This is the difficult point in life where I must rebuild myself from nothing. I feel I’ve lost who I was, but somehow have finally become who I always was or should be. Is it weird that I have this new zeal and ambition for life? I don’t think so. Everyday gets me closer to being happy with the person I’ve become and the person I am. This was the lesson I needed to learn. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. I must deal with this before I can truly succeed in this world. I’ve been beaten down so far, the only place I have to go is up. And nothing will stop me.

November 6, 2017

Feelings and Things

You constantly feel like your life is going up and down and sideways and slantways and forward and backward and you have just felt every emotion and it has only been a few hours since you woke up. All these things happen to you in a short amount of time and you feel you have lived in lifetime in a matter of minutes. Some days everything makes sense and other days you do not understand why anything happens the way it does and no one believes you when you tell them nothing makes sense anymore.

You spend days worrying about everything and it feels like your mind is about to explode then one little thing happens and your whole world changes. It is difficult for you to explain this sudden change in the world to anyone so you do not even try. You get that news you have been hoping to hear but never thought would come and even though you are finally having a good and happy day, you still cannot stop thinking about everything and all the things and too many things. Fighting your mind is a never-ending battle. Peace and calm is a foreign idea you may never find.

You know the slump will come back but you do not know when. All you can do is try to force it back if you can and have little things in place that keep you up during the time you constantly feel down. Sometimes getting a discount on a purchase is the only good thing that happened that day. You count it as a win just to make yourself feel like the whole day was not a waste. It is part of the constantly changing rollercoaster of your emotions. Every day is something new and exciting and terrifying and you cannot stop from being excited and terrified about everything and all the things and too many things. You feel everything. You feel too much.

October 30, 2017

Trapped and Forgotten

Some days are better than others. Some days are just casual; neither good nor bad. Some days you feel trapped and forgotten. Those are the days you struggle the most. Those are the days where nothing you do or think brings you peace and you try to stay busy and distracted but at least four times in that day everything will weigh you down. You never feel more alone than you do on these days. Even when you force yourself to go places to be around people, any people, it still does not feel right and you want to run away from everything.

You never run away because you are more terrified of trying to figure out what to do. No matter how painful it is, you cling to what is familiar. You are afraid of making changes but you are also afraid of missing new opportunities. You fight with yourself whether you should say something or do something or if it is worth the trouble. When you finally do something that you told yourself not to do, and everything goes wrong the same way you told yourself it would; you wish you had left things alone because you’d be better off having not done anything.

But still you try and still you hope. Things will get better you tell yourself. This is not a lie but you struggle to believe. You know things will get better but in that moment, nothing could possibly get better. Sometimes you want a hug or to feel the touch of someone special but there is no special person and you fear the touch of anyone; even family. You want to hug and love the world but the world can never touch you or care for you because you feel too much and express too little.

You feel emotions more strongly than most others but you never show them and everyone assumes you have no emotions. Part of this is a defensive wall and no one can come inside. The downside is you cannot come out of the wall. You feel trapped and forgotten inside your own head, inside your own invisible wall; no one can get in because no one knows how. Only you can remove the wall but you also do not know how. You must become your own hero because no one else will save you. You do not believe anyone wants to save you.

You see others who fight the same battle you face each day. You try to help them because in some way you think it will help you. Who better to help them than you? You understand how to touch them without touching them. You know what they want to hear. They think you are brave because you force yourself to talk about your troubles. You acknowledge the pain and embrace this. The sad truth is, no one else is brave enough to tell you what you want to hear; what you need to hear. You must tell yourself. You must become your own hero because no one else will save you. You must want to save yourself.

Some days are better than others.