You constantly feel like your life is going up and down and sideways and slantways and forward and backward and you have just felt every emotion and it has only been a few hours since you woke up. All these things happen to you in a short amount of time and you feel you have lived in lifetime in a matter of minutes. Some days everything makes sense and other days you do not understand why anything happens the way it does and no one believes you when you tell them nothing makes sense anymore.
You spend days worrying about everything and it feels like your mind is about to explode then one little thing happens and your whole world changes. It is difficult for you to explain this sudden change in the world to anyone so you do not even try. You get that news you have been hoping to hear but never thought would come and even though you are finally having a good and happy day, you still cannot stop thinking about everything and all the things and too many things. Fighting your mind is a never-ending battle. Peace and calm is a foreign idea you may never find.
You know the slump will come back but you do not know when. All you can do is try to force it back if you can and have little things in place that keep you up during the time you constantly feel down. Sometimes getting a discount on a purchase is the only good thing that happened that day. You count it as a win just to make yourself feel like the whole day was not a waste. It is part of the constantly changing rollercoaster of your emotions. Every day is something new and exciting and terrifying and you cannot stop from being excited and terrified about everything and all the things and too many things. You feel everything. You feel too much.
Some days are better than others. Some days are just casual; neither good nor bad. Some days you feel trapped and forgotten. Those are the days you struggle the most. Those are the days where nothing you do or think brings you peace and you try to stay busy and distracted but at least four times in that day everything will weigh you down. You never feel more alone than you do on these days. Even when you force yourself to go places to be around people, any people, it still does not feel right and you want to run away from everything.
You never run away because you are more terrified of trying to figure out what to do. No matter how painful it is, you cling to what is familiar. You are afraid of making changes but you are also afraid of missing new opportunities. You fight with yourself whether you should say something or do something or if it is worth the trouble. When you finally do something that you told yourself not to do, and everything goes wrong the same way you told yourself it would; you wish you had left things alone because you’d be better off having not done anything.
But still you try and still you hope. Things will get better you tell yourself. This is not a lie but you struggle to believe. You know things will get better but in that moment, nothing could possibly get better. Sometimes you want a hug or to feel the touch of someone special but there is no special person and you fear the touch of anyone; even family. You want to hug and love the world but the world can never touch you or care for you because you feel too much and express too little.
You feel emotions more strongly than most others but you never show them and everyone assumes you have no emotions. Part of this is a defensive wall and no one can come inside. The downside is you cannot come out of the wall. You feel trapped and forgotten inside your own head, inside your own invisible wall; no one can get in because no one knows how. Only you can remove the wall but you also do not know how. You must become your own hero because no one else will save you. You do not believe anyone wants to save you.
You see others who fight the same battle you face each day. You try to help them because in some way you think it will help you. Who better to help them than you? You understand how to touch them without touching them. You know what they want to hear. They think you are brave because you force yourself to talk about your troubles. You acknowledge the pain and embrace this. The sad truth is, no one else is brave enough to tell you what you want to hear; what you need to hear. You must tell yourself. You must become your own hero because no one else will save you. You must want to save yourself.
Some days are better than others.
I was raised by the nightmares of my parents. Quite literally, I was born into the darkness; molded by it. That first glimmer of light within me did not occur until I was already a man.
My mother faced sexual assault at an early age from her own father and later developed Dissociative Identity Disorder. My father faced the onslaught of hatred from African American teenagers because he was white while living on the poor side of town in the late 1960s. He was five-years-old when Martin Luther King was shot. My father’s brother’s life ended too soon on Christmas Day, 1984 because of a mistake that never should have been made.
These are just a select few of the horrors I grew up hearing. Then my own battles and horrors began. A lifelong struggle of understanding and a search for purpose have been the motivation and inspiration for me to change the world for the better. I studied theater and feel a strong connection with performance and self expression. Am I the best? No, but that is not what self expression is about. It is about creating something. The opposite of war is not peace but creation. Creating something channels that darkness into something good.
My identity is unusual. I am an asexual, masculine male with high functioning anxiety. My goals and achievements are literally all I have. Yes, I have friends and acquaintances but few of them understand my own drive. I want to create a better world with fewer nightmares and more dreams coming to reality. I can achieve this through theater and self expression. As a mad scientist once said, “Don’t dream it – Be it!”