Final Thoughts in 2019

I won’t have a New Year’s Resolution this coming year. I won’t because I’m already doing things to better myself. The last couple years haven’t been easy for me. Much of that was my own fault. Many things had to happen in order for me to notice. I felt I had hit rock bottom in early October 2019. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that low. Had I lost my job on top of everything else that happened, I’m not sure what I would have done. I almost lost everything in my life. My whole world went topsy-turvy.

Long story short, I was too negative for too long. It had built up over these last two years. I didn’t notice until it was too late. I lost motivation. I lost confidence in myself. I lost friendships. Since early October, I’ve been changing how I look at and talk to myself. It’s working. But I still have a long journey ahead. I filed for bankruptcy. My court date is in January. I had a couple student loans in default. I’ve gotten one out of default and the other is on its way out of default. Bankruptcy doesn’t affect student loans.

I’m being nicer to those close to me. Some chose not to be a part of my life because of the negativity. I hope the Universe brings them back into my life during the new year. I’m also being nicer to myself. I thought I was doing enough before to combat the negativity. But I feel short of the mark. I had to increase my efforts tenfold to see a difference. I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I can’t afford to go out to most things. Some things are too far for bus rides or I can’t afford the money for bus fare. I’m keeping an eye out for things to do so I can meet new people.

I relied on those close to me too much. I’m sure this is why they pushed me away. I’m doing more to keep myself occupied when I don’t have money for other activities. I’ve been using my camera more. I enjoy taking pictures. I’m reading and writing more. I’m doing as much as I can with what I have. Every night before bed, I write down three good things that happened to me that day and why they were important to me. This is the biggest thing that’s helped. I’ve done this every day for almost three months.

My journey has only begun. I have so far to go and no idea how long it will take. But I keep moving forward. I’m hunting for the good in things. I’m staying positive. I’m not allowing my thoughts to consume me. I’m getting by. I’m surviving. I’m not making a New Year’s Resolution because I’ve already made a resolution for life. And since I’ve already started, I have no fear of giving up. I’ve done this too long now to quit. While you all start something new and eventually stop, I’ll continue what I started. I’ll continue because I like myself. I love myself. And I deserve good things.

Twofer Tuesday Poetry: Steve’s General Store & A Thought

Steve’s General Store

It’s a pit-stop store just outside of town.
Steve is the robot that works the counter.
With this job, a human would have a frown.
They all died; it’s been one hundred winters.
Steve carries on like a machine would do.
He completes his duties and tasks with ease.
Better work would only be done by few.
To pass the time, he straightens the pulleys.
A bell rings as someone enters the shop.
A young machine just under a meter.
He requests an oil can for his pop.
Steve picks up one from behind to barter.
The small mechanoid counts out some silver;
Into Steve’s hand, the robot delivers.

A Thought

Jumping – to-and-fro – 
Never lingering
To avoid – stagnation – 
Going everywhere
Going nowhere

Traveling through time
Bringing pleasure
Bringing pain – 
Oh pain
The great reminder – 

To be random
Is to daydream
To dream
Is to be free
But never free of me

Expert planning – 
Nefarious plotting – 
Forgetting where you left
Your keys – the ignition – 
The day started poorly

Whisked away
And forgotten
Only to be filled
Replaced – 
By another

As dreams – nightmares – 
Powered by a muse
A demon
Perhaps both – 

Do you
Control me – 
Or I you – 
The brain the mind the soul
What are we – 

You can’t trust me
When emotions are high
And self-esteem – low – 
I wouldn’t trust me – 

It’s harder for me
To disappear when you – 
Write me down – down – 
I don’t think I’ve
Ever gone up

Other times
You want to forget me
But – I don’t leave – 
Those are bad days – 
Haunted – by memories –

From the poetry collection Men Are Garbage.