Tag: blog

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A Letter to My Younger Self


There’s so much to be said. How can I sum it all up in one letter? I’m you, but older; much older. Life hasn’t been kind to us. You’ve already been through a lot and there’s so much more you will go through.  It seems unfair, but everything has a purpose.  I don’t expect you to understand that, but one day you will. And believe it or not, things will get better.  Then they’ll get worse only to get better again.  That’s how life is; ups and downs.  The ups are never as great as you think, and the downs are never as bad as you think.

You’ve got another 25 years before you start to understand all the things that happened to you.  Why do you feel what you feel?  Why do you think what you think?  The answer will come.  My advice to you is to always trust your instincts.  In many ways, your instincts are the only thing you can trust. They help you survive.  They teach you.  They protect you.  People will come and go.  This will hurt, but you’ll keep going.  You’ll have trouble trusting them, but don’t judge them too harshly.  They’re like babies and don’t know any better. Sometimes you make the same mistakes they do.

You’re going to feel alone for a long time.  Don’t let it bother you.  Loneliness can be a strength and sometimes it helps you survive.  Be careful not to let it consume you.  That’s a darkness that’s hard to escape.  Sometimes you’ll want it to consume you.  Just know you’ll always find your way out.  Your future doesn’t have much love, but there is some there. It may not be the kind of love you want, but I promise it’s the love you need.  You won’t be much younger than me when you finally understand what love is, but it will change your world for the better.  It will make you a better person and a better friend.

Believe in yourself and don’t listen to any of the negative things you hear.  Don’t listen to the negative things you tell yourself.  You have to make your life something you enjoy. You have to mold yourself into the person you want to be.  No one will help you and most people won’t care.  You’ll know you’re doing something right when more and more people want to spend time with you and talk to you.  It will feel too-good-to-be-true because you’re used to people being awful.  Not everyone is awful, and miracles do happen. Everything you’ve survived and will survive makes you a walking miracle.  Remember that.  You are a miracle.  Never give up!  Never surrender!

 

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Why I Share Articles About Anxiety


As I have grown to understand the full scope of my anxiety, I am more open about discussing anxiety.  I tell people I have anxiety.  Some believe they can relate and are sympathetic.  Some do have anxiety but never speak of their own struggles.  I sometimes wonder if they think I am brave for vocalizing mine.  Then there are others who do not understand anything.  They associate anxiety with being nervous before a test or feeling stressed at work.  They do not feel anxious every second of every day.  They are why I share articles about anxiety.

Someone offered me a neck and shoulder rub.  They said, “You’re so tense.  Loosen up.  Relax.”  I replied, “I always feel like this.  This IS me relaxed.”  At the time, I did not know all the physical symptoms of anxiety.  I have experienced muscle tension as long as I can remember.  I did not realize I lived with this condition for almost 20 years.  Everyone says I look tense, on edge, or hyper alert.  It makes them uncomfortable, but they have no idea how uncomfortable I am.  Their discomfort goes away; mine is constant.  They are why I share articles about anxiety.

I want to understand myself, so I can heal and grow.  I want other people to better understand where I am coming from and possibly appreciate me a little more.  I want potential romantic partners to understand why I worry or lack confidence in myself.  I want everyone to be patient with me and understanding.  I want to be loved in a way I have never known.  I want to feel comfortable and at ease with someone; with everyone.  I want to feel like I am not a burden to everyone around me.  That is why I share articles about anxiety.  That is why I write articles about anxiety.

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Don’t Set Goals for the New Year; Set Goals for Life


As the year comes to a close, one reflects on everything that has transpired.  So many horrible things have happened and yet, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.  I have nothing but a sense of hope for the coming new year.  I feel there will be more tragedies and horrors for the world overall but my personal life, my small world, my tiny existence is about to move into a place it has never been.  I cannot say exactly what I mean because I personally don’t even know what I mean.  Things will get better.

Here are some of the hopes, dreams, and goals I have for the coming year.  I hope to get a new job that does not involve working nights and hopefully pays well.  Arguing and wrestling with drunks lost its appeal many years ago and I hope to never work in a bar environment for the rest of my life.  With a new job that frees up my nights and weekends, I will perhaps have more of a social life.  Although, I’ve never been much of a social person due to my anxiety, but I will have the opportunity and that makes me happy.

Having recently finished the first draft of a novel, I know that my writing endeavors will evolve over the next year.  My skills as a writer are growing and there are several things I need to work on to improve but I have the tools I need to achieve this.  I feel I will surely have something published soon.  If not in 2018, I will definitely have something published in 2019.  I hope to have more blog entries starting with this one.  I will not make any promises other than writing more.  Less concrete goals work better for me.

I have always felt I would change the world with my writing but felt there were many obstacles and barriers preventing my achievement of this.  I believe I know what these barriers are and I have a plan for removing them one at a time.  It will be a long process but I will achieve my goals.  I want to mention that all these hopes and dreams and goals are not New Year Resolutions.  They are simply goals one sets in one’s life.  My New Year Resolution is the same every year.  Be awesome and feel sexy.  I meet this goal every day of every year.

I hope to bring some of my newly found skills in writing to you, the public of potential or aspiring writers.  There are many things I was told over the years about writing but no one could ever offer examples of how to achieve these things.  Sometimes I thought they were just regurgitating what others had always told them.  I have found examples of these common things to avoid and, more importantly, examples of how to fix them.  It will take some time to implement these changes but I feel confident that I will finally reach success.