Twofer Tuesday Poetry: The Monsoon's End & Sad Thoughts on Christmas Eve

The Monsoon’s End

Change is never easy
Not even little things
I spent the summer
In libraries – coffee shops – 
Places I felt comfortable
Summer ended – students returned – 
Each place was crowded
The comfortable spots gone
Feeling lost and exiled
I wanted one place
I could call mine
No money to rent
Or lease an office
No sanctuary – no retreat – 
Even the taste of
Coffee lost its pleasure

Sad Thoughts on Christmas Eve

It’s been a couple weeks
At the least
Since I showered

My beard grew long
It was extra itchy
I cut it all off
But still have not showered

I’ve mostly been home
With my cats
Callie and Coco
The only two creatures
Who offer me affection

I haven’t eaten much
Other than bread and rice
And free meals from work

Dishes have been in the
Sink for over a week

I should clean out
The litter boxes
Or the cats will pee
On my bed out of spite

Things on my To-Do list
Are getting done but
It takes hours to
Work up motivation

Sometimes I wander
For hours because
I don’t want to be
Anywhere but I don’t
want to be home either

I just keep walking

Where do you go when
You don’t feel like you
Belong anywhere

I don’t want to
End my life but
I don’t want to
Be alive anymore

There’s no satisfaction
There’s no pleasure

I lose interest in
Intimacy with myself
Because no one else
Wants to be
Intimate with me

I see compassion
From others but
No affection

I don’t know what it means
To be confident anymore

Things always end the same

For some reason I keep
Trying – never give up
Never surrender

If there’s no affection
And no intimacy
Am I really living
Am I alive at all

I see myself in the mirror
With dark, sunken eyes

How have I avoided
Drugs and alcohol

I keep writing
Something inside me says
My story needs to be told
But I have many stories
And can’t tell them all

I can keep going until
I run out of stories
And the stories will never end

My purpose is to share
My stories even when it
Feels like no one is listening
And eventually I’ll be gone
But my stories will keep me alive

My stories are my legacy

That is immortality

But for now I am
Alone with my stories
Waiting for someone
Anyone to listen

I just want to be heard

From the poetry collection Cats, Coffee, Catharsis.

Twofer Tuesday Poetry: Loss, Love, Life & Survival Doesn't Help You Grow

Loss, Love, Life

He wanted
Her
To see
The love he had
But
Her love
Was not
The same – 
She loved him
Yes, but
Not 
The same – 
No one ever
Loves you
The same
As you do
Them – 
But they love
And that’s
Something – 
Or maybe it’s
Nothing – 
Maybe love
Is the only thing
Any of us
Truly own – 
He doesn’t want
To own
Love
Anymore – 
But it
Never goes
Away – 
Love is there – 
Wanted or not – 
We all must
Learn to
Live with love
And without it – 
Whether you
Love yourself
Or don’t
You must live

Survival Doesn’t Help You Grow

When you hit rock bottom
You can only go up
When you’ve hit your
Lowest low
The first step feels too high

You don’t know how you are
Until someone tells you
You don’t notice the anger inside
Until it drives everyone away
You don’t notice what you avoid

How do you unlearn everything
That helped you survive
How do you learn to live
When all you know is survival
Survival is no longer enough

From the poetry collection Cats, Coffee, Catharsis.

Twofer Tuesday Poetry: Hostile Work Environment & Confession

Hostile Work Environment

It’s the hustle and bustle

Some have 3 jobs

No one works at one
Job for twenty years
Anymore

You need a couple
To get by

Jobs that don’t pay well

They drain your spirit
Your soul
Your creativity
Your life

It’s survival

The hustle and bustle

The economy will kill you

Confession

Today is a bad day
I’m struggling
I keep going to
Negative places
Dark places

I need you to know
I’m in love with you
I know you’ll never
Feel the same for me
But I know you care about me

I couldn’t say this
In person because
I’m afraid you won’t
Want to see me anymore
So I don’t cling to you

I also think nothing
Can come between us
I believe that you care for me
I trust you – To me
Trust means more than love

It will be a long time
Before I trust someone
As much as I do you
But I want you to be happy
Even if that means
Not being in your life
But I hope you’ll let me

From the poetry collection Cats, Coffee, Catharsis.